The strangest thing happened as my plane was circling Buenos Aires to land last night….I was hit with a wave of deep sadness and grief.
All that time traveling (almost 24 hours from my door to the hotel here) left me a lot of space to think, and my thoughts (as they do so often lately) drifted to David…the man I thought was the love of my life, but who recently shattered my heart into a million pieces.
We just broke it off about a month and a 1/2 ago, and I cry almost every day. I still love and miss him so much, but I see all these lovers around and wonder if what we had was ever real love.
Maybe I got caught in that sweet honeymoon period, but we never actually grew past that? I have so many questions for him that he couldn’t or wouldn’t answer, so I don’t understand what happened in his head, or how we ruined our sweet love.
As I’m sure is common with heartbreak like this, I’m questioning everything.
Was there something wrong with me?
Did his feelings just change all of a sudden, or had he been “over it” for a long time and just didn’t have the balls to handle it like a man?
Did I completely misinterpret his feelings from the get-go – assuming he loved me the way I loved him?
He says he loves me, but just isn’t “ready” for a real relationship, but that doesn’t make any sense to me after over a year together.
If love is real, wouldn’t you want to fight for it? Or, maybe he just isn’t the man I thought he was….But, I can’t believe that.
Maybe the man I loved was his higher self, and he got lost for a while, dropping down into a more Carnal version of him self – based on personality and identity – neither of which are the “real him.”
Maybe he really was in love with me, but just scared that he couldn’t be the kind of man I want and deserve?
I never believed that, but he has a powerful mind and can convince him self and others of almost anything. I don’t know.
But, I do know the love we shared (when it was good) was worth all this pain, so I just need to change the questions I’m asking.
I am going to use this trip to ask some bigger, more relevant questions like:
1. What is MY lesson in all this?
2. What is next for me?
If you can think of any more productive questions or thoughts I can use as an anchor to help pull me out of the sadness, please share.